words
for you and for me

 

11.8.06---11:22pm listening to:cindy, Tammany Hall quick rant: why do guys assume that telling a girl that they were amazing in bed will get her to fuck him. because its not appealing at all. i don't care how many people you've gotten off in the past or how kinky it was. chances are, i'm still not going to fuck you. so fuck off, and leave me alone.


11.3.06---8:08 (Bob o'clock!)listening to:He Lied About Death, Stars
I wonder sometimes why things pop into my head when they do. I was watching X-Men the other day and when Jane Grey left the plane to save everyone and Cyclops went mad with grief I suddenly realized that we don't love like we love when we're older.
I wonder if its because we don't grasp intangible things as easily when we're younger. If the concept of love itself is just beyond our grasp. In fact, what is it about love that captures us so completely that we do do everything we can in order to find it, keep it, and throw it away.
Is it just another struggle for power? Is it a striving to find a dominance over another person but then why is it not considered dogmatism? Or is it just being so synchronized with someone that it seems like when you breathe they exhale? Does that make us feel less alone, and if it does, why is it so essential when you're supposidly grown and self-reliant?
As a child you love. You love your parents, your toys, your life, but it never quite adds up to the feeling you get when you see that one other person. Maybe the concrete ideas of love is all we can control. We are taught that love is respect to others, to doing small things to help your parents, to think of someone else before you think of yourself. Yet, acts of love when you're older isn't always those things excluding, of course, things of sexual nature. Love is those acts but it is carried out with a much more deliberate and deeper meaning.
Its difficult to sit here and try to put my finger on the difference between the love of children and the love of adults because it's illusive. I'll almost pin it down and then just as quickly I'll find another inconsistancy. I remember in middle school writing in my diary that all I wanted was a boyfriend. I wanted to be loved. The very next line was written as if it'd been drilled into my head: "I know I'm loved. My parents love me." But it wasn't familial love that I wanted. I wanted to feel as if nothing else mattered except that he was happy. I wanted to sacrifice everything and have it reciprocated.
Probably too ambitious of me to expect that sort of thing for my first love. But then, I'd read a lot of idealistic stories where no one gets hurt and the person that they find is the person they stay with.
But it gave me an aspect of love that would tell me that it was love and not some fondness that had developed between people. It was an aspect that is different from love given by children. It was the same sort of horrible love I felt when Cyclops screamed out in anguish. Its that. . .that feeling that hurts so badly. That is the small difference between the loves.

And that is what I want to feel. . .


10.24.06---6:00pm--listening to:Is it any wonder?, Keane
Memory:
First or second grade and sitting in Sunday school, when Jesus was only as real as the paper sticker that we stuck to the background in the midst of a morality play. I was in my favorite pink dress that was ichy but pretty with my page-boy hair cut, my tongue poking out of the side of my mouth while i diligently cut out the sheep that would follow the paper Jesus. My blue-haired teacher was making her rounds with a ridiculously shallow cup of coffee clenched in arthritic claws. She bends down to inspect the work of my friend beside me. A warm waterfall falling down my back, and a gasp from the teacher. It occurs to me that she is horrified and asking if it burns. She grabs paper towels and begins to ineffectively dab at my damp shirt. I stay that way for the rest of the hour until my mother comes. The teacher explains apologetically and once home when I finally realize that my shirt is ruined do i start to cry.
Strangely I feel no lingering anger towards the teacher who ruined my shirt and I go back the next week and once again start to cut Judas from his surroundings.

Much love (and thanks for letting me indulge in my sentimentality)


10.22.06---9:44pm--listening to:When in Rome, Nickel Creek
Ok, fine. Admission: I fart in my sleep. Is that a crime? I hardly think so. As long as i feel better I couldn't care less about your comfort, haha.

Also, there is a magnificent bruise on the heel of my hand from falling either on the concrete, or well, falling not so gracefully later, in the foyer of John's apartment.

much love to all the gassy girls out there (this is for you, steph)


10.22.06---10:56am--listening to:The Big Fight, Stars
I haven't updated, mostly because everything on the site died and I didn't want to fix it. But now I'm back. Uh, so Friday? Did nothing. Went to John's birthday party in which I saw half my highschool. Jim and I discussed how much we wanted to punch Brandon Palmer in the face everytime we stepped into his classroom. Turns out we all skipped his class thrusday, I'm not sure if it was because of the downpour or our lack of enthusiasm in hearing about japan's role in world war II. Paige and I played Kings with several really annoying people and gazed lustfully at the only cute guy at the entire party. It started to go downhill when i finished my coke bottle half filled with shitty vanilla vodka and I moved to beers. Then John wanted Brian and I to do some shots with him, so while we were waiting for him to find shotglasses some guy came up behind me and said, "If you drink straight from the bottle I'll love you forever." So I did. Because its a highly intelligent thing to do with all that alcohol in you. Then John came back with two shot glasses. So they got the shot glasses and I drank out of the bottle. Gagged the second time, but didn't throw up, quite proud of myself. Paige left to go see Chris at the bars, but I couldn't go b/c Bubba was working and he hates me. So the rest isn't really all that clear. I just remember hugging John and then we both tripped...so I ended up flat on my back. And then, for some reason I thought it intelligent to Brian (I think we were discussing rugby, one of the guys there used to play) So I ended up pinned on the concrete. Brian drove me home b/c John's apartment is all the way in boonies. I woke up the next day with a horrible hangover and an incredibly sore body.
I skipped sloptober fest b/c i didn't feel like getting drunk again. So now i'm sitting here, debating whether or not to do homework.
I had another really strange dream the other night. I remembered trying to meet up with david somewhere but I couldn't get there, no matter how hard i was trying. It was strange, b/c it was like I've seen the town I was in before, like i've either been there or I've dreamt about it before. I have no idea. But I was so frustrated that it woke me up and I couldn't go back to sleep. Quite annoying.

much love


10.18.06---9:58pm--listening to:Bye Bye Beautiful, Coheed&Cambria
It seems too early to update since I'm usually doing it around one or so in the morning but I'm taking a break from hw.
I really shouldn't be doing nothing because I've just realized that I have a four page Mod. Japan paper that's due on Tuesday, plus the entire psych paper except for the results section which means I'll spend most the weekend writing and researching. Luckily Friday is when all the parties that I'd said I'd attend are happening. I have to stop by John's because it was his 21st and I graduated with him. I can't just not show up. I broke my no alcohol before Halloween rule so I guess I can get plastered this once before all the work happens.
Oh shit, I just remembered that I have a Powerpoint presentation for Mod. Japan that I need to do. I'll do that tonight because its only five slides and I can cram it full of pictures. I think I'm going to do shrines, since that's what I'd love to see (and there's lots of pictures). Orrrrr, i could do the Haute couture of Japan since its one of the fashion capitals of the world. I guess it doesn't really matter that I get it in tonight since its already a week late. Or two. *blushes* The week that I decided to take a mental holiday was the week that he announced it and I am notorious for losing all important documents that might have clued me in. *sighs*
Next week is week eight, and my scheduling is already coming up. I haven't made it up to Chubb to grab a scheduling book for winter and neither have I tracked down my advisor. Not that I care for her all that much. I may just say that I don't have the time to sit down with her and just grab it and go. I can read the DARS by now.
I still have to call BB&B back home and tell them i'm coming back, but that I want to be full time (yup I'll be working Christmas Eve again). I need money. Rent is looking tight at the moment. It may be time to cut back on cigs. and hungry howies.
Steph, I adore the plug. Thankie! Luvs you! You know I've always wanted to see my name on the big screen and hopefullly someone with a huge monitor will go to your site and see my name there. Haha. Corny.

and no, i really haven't ever wanted to see my name on the big screen...

maybe the blacklists of several terrorist countries for all the awesome biochems i create. . .that would sort of be nifty and terrifying at the exact same time.

much love


10.18.06---1:29am--listening to:All of the Imogen Heap, on repeat

I had forgotten that a run is all I need. Its just sky and ground and breath. Its the rhythm and the narrowing of your world to that one line. Its the night, the anonimity, and the nakedness of it. Most of all, its the clarity and the purity of the thing. And to think that I'd abandoned a thing like it. I always wonder why i stopped, why I never ran anymore. It wasn't fun anymore. I felt like I always had, I felt the same way when I ran and when I did homework. Besides, I'd found alcohol. I'd found something easier than running. I'd found something that was different and new.
It sounds typical to say that i am nothing but a front, but lately that's all i've been. Cocky, inconsistent, rude, and an all-around asshole. Nothings ok, nothings right, and i most certainly haven't moved on. I know probably should. I don't mind being alone in this house. I'm better, I drink less, I go out less, I study, and while I know I'm being a loner I can't say that it bothers me too much. Its still there, though, but it lingers further back in my head than it used to. I'm becoming as self-sufficent as I've wanted to be.
I look back on myself and see that I am a fool. And not the sort of fool you draw from the tarot deck. That fool isn't jaded. That fool is the foolishness of youth and innocence, neither of which I am any longer. I am too old not to realize the things I do.
I say these things, I write them, I say them, I write them, over and over and over, and yet I'll go back to myself. I'll go back to those easy horrible things that I am. I'll be that tomarrow, because I have no will to change. There is a want, but its never a good want. In my head I'll change but it will always be to get some sort of pity. Some sort of sympathy to feed off of. Some small feeling just to make me feel as if I am the world when I can't even be counted as a grain of salt.
So I'm not surprised that people hate me, I hate myself. I am not only the worst critic of you but the most blind to what I am. I am critical and arrogent where I cover it with the whole backstory of pain. That was the past. I have formed what I am now in the last few years, while the past isn't something that can be ignored in that shaping its the formation of this callous thing that has occured recently. Who am I that I can count myself above all the rest? I can't. I have done nothing spectacular, I have been lazy and expected it all to be handed to me. I am self-indulgent.
Steph, I know what you're going through, I was that not two years ago. I was sick of that same thing that I was in highschool, but in comparison to this, it was a hell of a lot better. Don't think that you have to find yourself. I still don't know. I never will, and I don't want to. We can change if we don't have a fixed mold to fit into and there is nothing more crucial than change. Have your fun, love, but remember that the rules you've fixed for yourself you did have there for a reason and while they may not seem as important at the moment, just think that there was a purpose before. Change around them, but don't forget them, don't lose them to be someone that you've dreamt you wanted to be, because in reality its nothing you expect. Depression is hard enough to battle by itself but when you fall into an unhealthy rut it digs you further in than you wanted to go. You're going to feel like shit, but know that you put yourself there and you can get out. Nothing is static.
Its going to be hard but know that i'm here, and know that I went through it and am only now pulling out of it. It took me two years. . going on three, but you'll realize it. You'll find it, that thing that irrevocably changes how you see things, I found mine in rent and bills and forced responsibility where before I didn't have a care. You'll find yours, I just hate to have to watch you trip and stumble but call anytime, ok?
It feels good to get that out, to vent it. It feels good to write. It feels even better to know that you know I'm always there.

much love


10.17.06---12:00am--listening to:LoveStoned-Justin Timberlake

So fucking sick. Hungry but not, bloated, and crampy. Boo. Meh, I'll survive, this will only happen oh, the rest of my life (or at least until a hysterectomy, which i have no idea how to spell).
I have done absolutely nothing productive today. I probably should have done some hw, or my project, or even finished the links page. Instead I decided that back episodes of America's Next Top Model and a bag of chips sounded wonderful. What i really want is my jello that is sitting in the fridge. I almost added the rest of my vodka, but decided against it.
I can not think of a single witty thing to say.


10.15.06---1:54am--listening to:Lacrymosa-Evanescence

The parents were here for awhile. They got here around eleven or so and we went to lunch (Indian b/c i don't have the money for it). Then off to the rugby game, which made me want to play so badly, but sadly i don't have the time. After that, we went to Stroud's Run and we hiked for awhile. Dad and I settled into our hiking pace and left mum behind. Da and I went crazy when we realized there were caverns and caves. I hitched up my pants so they wouldn't get muddy and we stumbled down a few slopes to find caves. Mum watched while we quite literally rolled around in the leaves. They left around five and I went over to buy a 32 of Smirnoff b/c I could and I felt like some pop with the added bonus of a buzz. Around 9-ish I got a call from Aaron so I headed over there for a couple hours but left b/c I didn't really know anyone there and ended up watching the Michigan St./Penn St. game on t.v. My feet were killing me because for some strange reason I decided that I was going to wear my awesome heels. *shrugs* But, anyway, pictures:


Scrumming


my da is like a little kid when there are caves to be explored


I do believe the quote here was "If this fell we'd both be dead." and "See those? They just recently fell off, you'd most likely get a bit of headache from one of those"

Yet another, but this one with water!

View from water cave, who knew that Stroud's looked like this.

My dad wears pants that are too tight

Rocking hoops, peacoat, rolled up torn jeans, and yes, black knee socks. So wrong its right...


10.14.06---1:47am--listening to:Dark Blue-Jack's Mannequin

It's amazing. Its functional! I haven't gotten everything completely together but for now I'll launch it as just a journal of sorts until I get the gallery up. I have no idea what my obession is lately with overly contrasted/exposed shots of my face but it makes for some sort of layout i guess.
God i want to keep up with this, I should, or else Steph might just kill me. Especially when I specifically asked if she would host me.
The parents and my sister are coming down tomarrow for a nostaligic sort of trip I suppose. I feel bad for dragging them to the girl's rugby game tomarrow but I think it'll be less horrifying for my poor mother who about dies of fright everytime I play. She worries about me anyway and me playing rugby about sends her over the edge.
There are some really old entries still on this thing that I rescued from the computer at home. I think they are from freshman year of college, so about 2 years old. I was an angry, frustrated child and at the very first entry I had just been grounded for being out until six in the morning.
There will be more in depth musing later because cold weather makes me partially immobile and while physically I do hardly anything my mind goes crazy.
Much love.


9.06.06---1:07am--listening to:Red to Black-Fort Minor

I feel like Bridget Jones: 7 cigs, 1 rugby practice attended, 1 roommate not strangled, 1 small plan to get back to the healthy 979736. See, there? There it is. And no you won't understand but know that (hopefully) it works. This too is amazing, the past few days i've been so sick. Not being able to eat and when i did i'd want to throw it all up. so naturally, me being the paranoid person that I am decided that i am in fact pregnant. but then an amazing thing happened. I sat down tonight, had a smoke, a drink of water, and ate a few pretzels and felt nothing at all. This was of course after my roommate decided that she was moving out. which leaves me with all the rent. but i was oddly calm. its ok, i'll make it work. I've got a roommate for winter. so i'll be a little tight with money, but who doesn't have money problems when (sort of) on thier own.
I am to be in bed by 2 and then up at 7:30 for a run. I feel good. which seems strange. but then, I have also done my homework, which is even stranger.


9.03.06---4:56pm--listening to:Twisted Transistor-KoRn

Not all is finished but its a start. i need to ask steph a few things about this thing and then it'll be finished.


8.29.06---12:33am--listening to:Let Go-FrouFrou

I am happy. Love, Actually made me this way. Its sad the way I was beaming at the end of it. Better in comparison to the tears from the night before because of the inspirational sports movies I was watching. I never cry from happiness i've noticed. Or if it is, its veiled.

I take that back. I almost did cry once from happiness. But that was almost six months ago, I like to think back on that and revisit it.

Sometimes I wonder if i hold onto things way too long, but then i realize that its not so bad. Its not a crime to enjoy the past, its living almost entirely in it that is the crime. I used to hate the present, dread the future, hate the past, and live in fantasy. It was no way to live. You can not dream yourself into love and realistically you can build what you dream in reality.


8.26.06---9:14pm--listening to:Such Great Heights-The Postal Service

I don't know why i resurrected this. I think mostly because I like blogging (so ha!) but i don't care to do it on such an exposed area. Mostly because I am ranting or working things out in my head. Myspace is too much of a popularity contest and really I just want to think and to write.

i am down to only one box left from the move from Wadsworth to Athens but much more baggage it seems. I'm not too fussed. It feels good not to worry. It feels good to not be an uptight asshole all the time. Mostly though i think it was the worrying that was slowly killing me.

I have been drunk for the past four days so today is my detox. I have smoked only six cigarettes and am resisting the urge to walk five feet to get more. There is so much alcohol in the 'fridge and sitting on the floor of my kitchen but i don't have one in my hand or in my system. That was the goal.

this is therapy. this is fun. i forgot what it was not to have parents breathing down your neck.


12.7.04-7:06pm-listening to:I hate everything about you-three days grace

Fuck you.

Fuck this.

Fuck it all.

I never thought i could hate this much, and i never thought that i could act so well. I actually thought for a second that i could have a running stretch of happiness, but i should have never expected that. I should never have played the optimist and thought that perhaps college was a good change. I thought that perhaps the freedom would make me happier, but then i realized that it hurts so much more when it's once again ripped from my grasp.

I have been broken again before i ever had the chance to heal...

This is not a home...whenever i'm here I feel absolutely no happiness, at least in athens there is a thin bit of happiness...this is pointless and going nowhere, i'm going to sleep.


8.30.04-9:03am-listening to:Whatever the song is on liz's xanga

Grrr, this computer is demonic...i had to completely reboot for the damn thing to work as its supposed to. I'm leaving at the end of this week so i've got to put all the files i want to take down on disc/floppy so that will take up most of my day. That and finished the bitch of a precollege class that is called AlcoholEdu. WTF? Besides it won't change anyone's opinion on whether they're going to drink, my god.

Visit deviantart! not only to browse my site but everyone elses (mindless plug, i know)

I was really out of it last night, i meant to get online but i kinda sank away in my mind. So the only thing i did last night was tarot readings and several attempts at writing. But i do have something in mind to draw....i'm not sure i'll get it done before i go down and then i'll have to search out someone with a scanner. I might have to trek over to the tech dept. who knows...*Ruth


8.24.04-6:36pm-listening to:Led zeppelin-babe i'm gonna leave you

Whoops...i've forgotten to update in awhile...i've started a deviantart site so go see it! (www.greyiden.deviantart.com) Nothing really new on there at the moment but i'll try to draw somethin' soon. HUm...i haven't done anything really since the weekend except work so this is a pointless entry. *Ruth


8.22.04-4:34pm-listening to:random radio

Right. Everyone is officially at college. But it's alright because mike's still here.

Thursday we went out to look for wall decoration which turned into dinner and then stopped by Katelyn's (oh, someone else that's not gone) bonfire (lit by road flares) and then after the mosquitos about ate us to death we rented Resident Evil and Urban Legends and then saturday we went rock climbing but our belayer was stupid and so it was incredibly painful but runs for milk at midnight and midnight cookie-making made up for it. Oh yes, and The Butterfly Effect is my new favorite movie. *Ruth


8.18.04-4:50pm-listening to:Revis-Spin

I meant to get this posted a long time ago but our stupid internet service suddenly changed the phone numbers without telling us and our password was suddenly invalid. whatever.

I went shopping and bought more clothes...and then i packed exactly one box for college. Not that i need to, i still have three weeks left. Everyone's leaving! Ashley's gone, laura's leaving today, and liz is leaving in 4 days...I suppose i'll be left....alone....*ruth


8.16.04-10:20am-listening to:NOthing

I just got back last night at 10-ish but i wasn't tired...most likely because i slept the whole way back. It was an amazing trip, i summited Flattop Mtn. in colorado , brooks lake mtn. in wyoming and angel's landing in Utah. We hiked everywhere possible and i took pictures but haven't gotten them back yet.

On Angel's landing we met my dad's second cousin and her son also hiking thier way up. She was singing in the Mormon Tabernacle Choir in Salt Lake City and came down to Zion for a week. Strange and now the whole church knows and they've been talking about it.

In Iowa they were putting up a steel building and so i was stuck(literally) to the sheet metal trying to get old caulking off of it. All in all...an amazing trip. *Ruth


7.30.04-5:17pm-listening to:NOthing

The past two days have been incredibly wierd. Ash and I went shopping at South Park and i bought things that i really didn't need but loved and couldn't let go of. Then we went back to her house and Mike came over and we watched the Ring which was packed full of awesome images adn then i didn't get home until 3 in the morning and i don't know if my parents are mad about that. But anyway, i fell asleep and i started dreaming and i must have been in the middle of a nightmare when i heard this god-awful screeching of tires followed by a thud and several other noises that could only be shattering glass and more thuds that was a car flipping over. For some reason in the dream fog that i was in i thought that i was somehow responsible for the accident and so i spent a whole hour while my mom called 911 and my dad sprinted out to see if the driver was ok. She was alive(thank god for seat belts) and luckily no one was in the passenger side because it was completely smashed in.

But then at around6:30 i went back to bed and slept until 12. Then we went shopping because i needed a terry cloth robe for the showers and a magnetic/dry erase board for people to leave me messages....but then i ended up getting a new belt and larger messanger bag for hauling books around campus.

And now i have to continue packing b/c i'm leaving for Utah tomarrow and will be back august 15 or 16th(with pictures!). *ruth


7.28.04-3:26pm-listening to: random Janet Jackson

I'm back and i have a huge headache. Scheduling never gets easier...and 2 or 3 credit courses are nearly impossible to find. But it was fun and Ben was there! Someone i actually knew and martha was cool.

I passed all the entrance tests with flying colors so my week is like this: Mondays:Chem 151 from 9-10 and then Intro to Fine Art @ 10-12 and finally from 3-5 Calc 263A. Tuesdays (are hell): Chem again from 9-10 then a chem lab from 3-6 followed by LET(law enforcement tech) from 6-9...*sighs* no supper. Wednesdays Intro to Fine Arts from 10-12 and Calc from 3-5. Hehe, and then the only classes on Thursdays and Fridays is chem from 9-10!! Practically a four day weekend.

I'm psyched....i want to move in so badly (which will be sept.4) and OU is playing Akron U! Bwhahahahah *Ruth


7.26.04-10:57am-listening to:Avril again because i'm too lazy to take it out of the comp.

Christ, i feel awful....i finally ran a full 10K for the hell of it and i feel like i'm at the end of a race. Oh well, it'll pass.

Headin' down to OU around 5 tonight so i can get a full night's sleep before the chem test in the morning. For once, i'd like to do well but it all depends...*sighs* toodles*ruth


7.24.04-3:44pm-listening to:Avril Lavigne-Fall to Pieces

Lord, i feel like i've been run over by an 18-wheeler, hammered into the ground and then exhumed for another round. Funerals don't help the feeling either. Neither does running on a full stomach. But i had to run, its an obsession and one of the few things that takes my mind and duct tapes its mouth so i don't have to listen to it anymore.

Laura's concert was awesome...they played the theme from Pirates of the Caribbean and then we went to see Anchorman with Will Ferrel. It was ok, but not worth $8. It could have been because i don't really care for dumb humor...but if you like one liners like, "I pooped a cornish game hen" then go waste some money and laugh your ass off.

I want to leave for utah so badly.....*ruth


7.23.04-5:14pm-listening to:Avril Lavigne-Together

Nothing is open late on Thursday nights...just a warning. Me n' Mike went to see I, Robot which was good and then barely made it into Dairy queen before they closed. Then everything was closed but we found a billiard room so we played pool until midnight.

tonight i'm gonna go see laura play in the community band and then another movie and then back to her house for a girl's night.

Rest in peace Mrs. Guzi....we all love you....


7.19.04-2:02pm-listening to:Vendetta Red-Suicide Party

This is sad. The only thing I've been doing for the past few weeks is reading (Me TAlk Pretty Someday by David Sedakis) and cramming for the chemistry placement test next week at Pre-College at OU. I'm so worried that i'll get stuck in remedial math and Chemistry. *sighs*

I work, sleep, run, and eat, study. What kind of summer is this? *ruth


7.17.04-2:36pm-listening to:Nickel Creek-The Stage

It smells like peanut butter cookies in here because me mum and my 20 yr. old sister are "bonding". I avoid it if at all possible and if i am cooking, eject all critical personnes from the area. Which reminds me, i have to buy some baby bok choy for a martha stewart recipe i want to try. Hate the woman, like the food.

Went to the gym today but was listless...i half-heartidly pedaled for 15 min. before giving up and accepting that i didn't give a shit.

God it's hard to breathe with the humidity packing itself into my lungs.

Speaking of which, i think i'm going to Utah!!! Gotta love the land of the mormons, me and my dad are going to hike the place to death. Well, actually its more a round trip swinging through Kansas, Colorado, Utah, Idaho, Wyoming (where we camp with the grandparents),Nebraska,Iowa, Illinois, Indiana, and finally back into Ohio. NOt really all that long since i'm used to sitting on my ass for long periods of time. Maybe i'll drop by BYU and see Mike S. Probably not because i'm not sure we're going that way.

Whoa it's getting too long because no one actually reads this...*Ruth


7.16.04-7:11pm-listening to:Avril Lavigne-NObody's Home

oooo, i went shopping and bought pants....i know have enough to clothe a third world country, but i won't because they're mine.

so i'm a selfish bitch....tough.

All my friends are sleeping today because they're getting up at 2 in the morning and driving to Hilton Head...lucky people...I have parents that are anal and protective. But Ash and I went to the mall and killed time.

Notice the layout...I'm feeling girly and dark, at the same time. And not very creative...oh hey i can upload a pic. I need to promote this website because it's becoming pointless. Oh whoops, have to go watch Ken Jennings on Jeopardy...when is the man going to lose? *Ruth


6.2?.04-4:14pm-listening to:Linkin Park-Papercut

Fate was so good to me a couple of days ago and now....the internet won't work, i thought i had a second job but the lady never called me, i have no messages, i'm getting fat sitting at home, and i am just sitting here with absolutely nothing to do besides this. So, i've been sharpening my mad skills at NFS Hot Pursuit II.

ANd absolutely no funny stories to add. I can't go shopping because money is "tight". I can't go for a run because i ate too much and would likely throw up.

i need life....or someone to share it with........


6.9.04-2:58pm-listening to:John Mayer-The Wheel

Grrr, i'm going to kill my script because it's refusing to work. That's why there is technically only one picture up.

I finally wrote out grad thank yous. I'm really lazy. Then my evil mother says that in order to have an active part in this household i have to clean something in this house once a day. Yes, because that's the reason i'm here...I'm a maid.

Stupid moving of Ronald Reagan's body cut off me from the The View this morning. It's nice how everyone loves you after you've died. Maybe that's what I'll have to consider doing if i'm ever going to get a boyfriend.

I'm going to work on that script again....because i'm mad and i have nothing else to do ever since i cleaned the bathtub....i'm waiting on doing the sink tomarrow to have an excuse that i did do something.

*Ruth


6.8.04-7:32pm-listening to:Nickel Creek-a combination of thier old and new cds

It's june. And i feel awful, but it could be all the graduation cake and cheesecake that i ate. Or it could be the unexpected heat.

I've been out looking for another job. So i tried Kohls, and schisler's cheese house, and i suppose i'll be out again tomarrow looking some more. God, money has gotten so tight around here. I officially no longer have any money in my room. So rob me if you dare. You may find a handful of coins.

I finally sat down to draw. Wierd the way i spaced out. I feel like I've been floating for awhile. Not quite rooted and real. Better than depression but disconcerting. AT least it helps me think-the only problem is my sister is coming home so there may be more noise. I really want some quiet or quiet afternoons in a park listening to a conert. That would be nice.

A lot of things would be nice though, peace, no war, and acceptance.

Blah, i feel sick so it's time to go back on the diet.

-Ruth


4.9.04-7:55pm-listening to:Revis-Places for Breathing

Hum, track meet yesterday and i've been mucking out stalls since the beginning of the week. I am up to my eyeballs in horse shit. *sighs* oh well, it pays well.

The track meet was fun! It only rained for a bit, but it had to fill it's quota for the Bill Barry Invitational since it hasn't gone a year without raining. But the blockholders were funny so we were talkin' with them.

Oh i really just want to go to Florida. And i've started on my tan. One more day and i'll have done my whole body and therefore will be ready for the trip....hopefully. hum, maybe i should do the homework.

Whoa, tired of this....ruth


4.4.04-11:55am-listening to:gary jules-trading snakeoil for wolftickets

This is a really crappy cd. I bought it because i wanted mad world but the rest of the cd is nothing like that song. humph. it kinda sounds like james taylor except less carribean. oh well, i have mad world.

MMMmmm, finally got coffee last night and then went to see Taking Lives which was good even if it was a bit predictable. I still need to see Big Fish because Tim Burton is my hero and i want to see Hidalgo because of Viggo Mortensen(!!!!) and the Ladykillers because the Coen brothers were the ones that wrote, directed, and edited O, Brother Where Art Thou?. Hum, looks like i'll be getting fat soon, eating junk food and renting tons of movies.

Grrr, i hate writing essays for English and especially when it's almost painful to pull words out of my head. Hehe, and look how long this stupid post is.

I love book stores, i'm going to buy some really crap place in France, fix it up, and sell books, and coffee, and dirty posters to get people to come.

Only a few more days to Florida...maybe there won't be snow there. *glares at mother nature the contrary bitch*

Ok, this is getting pointless since no one reads this.


4-1-04-1:57pm-listening to:John Mayer-Heavier Things

I know it's been awhile but the last week before the end of the quarter the teachers went psycho-insane and decided to dump all the tests in the world on us. So I haven't had any time what-so-ever to draw, until a couple of days ago. The one the front page is a quickie sketch but i'm working on another which is promising and probably should be done by friday.

Spring break has not felt at all like spring break. More like a couple snow days linked together.

But it's been raining! So it looks and feels like London! At least, in my twisted imagination it is. But at least one other person agrees with me. Cheers, mate!

OK, i really like this layout, i have a feeling this one will be staying up until summer. Oh, and then college, hopefully i will update more often because then my friends can read this and know what the hell I'm up to.

Grrr, i have to go to track soon. More running. *sighs*


2-16-04-2:16pm-listening to:Fefe Dobson-We Went for a Ride

Ugh, I've been sick for the past two days (but i made my weight goal!). I was even sick at Katelyn's party even though i didn't quite get that i was. Oh well, and i've been working while i was sick, but amazingly i felt better there than at home. And i slept for 13 hours, i think i like being sick.

I finished my sonnet for English and i actually like it. and it's in iambic pentameter!!. How pathetic.


1.27.04-10:42-listening to:Mikaila-So in Love with Two(an ancient CD)

Wow, second snow day in a row!! God, i could kiss the administration. Of course it is really shitty out. Snow covered in ice. Pretty though, i took pictures. Ugh, i've sent the past two days of freedom doing A.P. History. I've actually got nearly two chapters done in two days and I'll prolly start on the third one. *sighs* I'm way too dedicated. I feel kinda guilty that i'm not doing history right now.

Have not had a single inspiration to draw or anything. I feel lazy, lethargic. But i'm entitled to it. So, ha...Hum, maybe i'll go read, I haven't been able to do that in a long time. Oh shit, i have to read some more Henry the 6th part 1. Grrr. *ruth


1.23.04-10:51-listening to:Sting-Send Your Love (remix)

I don't actually know if the dates i have on here are the actual days that i'm typing them....well, it's supposed to be Saturday. I rather like not knowing what date it is. No pressures....no deadlines...well, there are, i just don't know what when it is.

Ooo, there's an early elijah wood movie on this afternoon...i think i'll watch some of it, and do some A.P. History stuff during the commercials.

i found the star sapphire that was my mum's but she gave it to me. I also stole her rose-colored sunglasses which i'll take with me to Florida.

Speaking of florida, it reminds me that i had a dream that was to do with that. It was a long time ago but it seems that our plane was hijacked and for some reason they had me up at the front pointing a gun to my head and then when they did shoot i got out of the way and took it in my arm. Then i grabbed the guy's gum and pointed it at the other guy at the back of the plane. But then i can't remember what happened after that.

But the one i had last night was probably spurred by watching Edward Scissorhands (starring Johnny Depp!!! and is now my new favorite movie!). It was really wierd cuz it was fragmented and i remember being in each one but not getting to each different scene. I was at my grandparents in Iowa and my new aunt was there and her family was there....but they weren't her real family. And Ashley was there, and so was another girl who i recognized at the time but can't think of who it was now. And Brian was there which is frickin' scary cuz *shivers* he's Brian. And they were all in the bathroom and i was going in there cuz i had to go to the bathroom but then left because they were in there. Then suddenly i was on the highway traveling home, and i remember seeing this van go by and this kid was in the back wearing this evil grin and they had a freezer in the back with tons of cans of pop. Then it jumped to this place i have never seen before but i was there with another person that i thought was my sister but i'm not sure if it really was. We were opening these little locked cases adn we found these cards that had different personnages on them. I was just flipping through them because they were interesting but they came to life and were trying to escape while me adn my sister were cleaning them off. So i remember trying to lock them up but one escaped and grabbed all the keys so i was desperatly trying to lock them in a different place that i definatly had a key for. It was strange because i was trying to lock them into some dollhouse like thing. And i can still see them in my head.

There ya go ben, if you ever read this. I actually had a f*cked up dream that i can remember. But i'll go scan in a picture i did a couple of days ago. It was supposed to be Orlando Bloom but it's not...and i know why it doesn't look like him, but unless i want to start erasing and completely ruin it....so it will stay a mystery man....or a guy that looks like a beach boy. *ruth


1.19.04-1:24

bwahahaha, manda, you should be proud, without even meaning to, i trebled my black clothing...in one shopping trip. Thank god for stores like target.

So i didn't even get to draw anything last night because i was watching old muppet shows...with Peter Sellers! as a gypsy violinist.

i dug out the old CDs because i was getting sick of the newer ones...so i'm listening to J.Lo in hopes that there is some rock on this somewhere...and then i think that it goes into Janet Jackson....i don't really know, i never label my cds for some reason i just kinda know what's on them. Maybe i'm psychic, but most probably i'm not.

Oh yes, and i want to give a shout out to Bonnie cuz i know you missed the floor show but ya know what ur still part of the OU 110 even though you're not gonna be in it next year. And i promise that we'll go to see the football games!!! Luv ya'll*ruth


1.18.04-4:43pm

how ironic is it that What's eating Gilbert Grape was on. I was going to draw something, but i kinda got distracted by Johnny Depp. What a pity. Hum, i think i'm finally going shopping tomarrow, i think by now the school has seen the same 7 outfits enough. Won't it be great in college where you don't have the same class everyday?

This has been a pointless post....cuz now i have no clue what to write...*ruth


1.17.04-11:36am
*dances* the parents have finally left!! That is really sad, i'm 18 and i'm still can't do anything unless they've left.

But we did have the Johnny depp-a-thon last night at Ash's. It was wonderful...we watched,Benny and Joon(which is now on the list of my favorite movie), Cry Baby(which was about the most awful movie i think i've ever watched even counting the old man traveling across the US on a mower), Pirates of the Caribbean,Blow(we didn't finish it because it was getting really boring and really sad and didn't make for a very good party atmosphere, and finally, Chacolat in which nobody had any faith but when Johnny Depp did show up nearly died of orgasmic pleasure. Unbelievers.

you know, i've really got to do some good artwork so i can promote this site...because it's kinda pointless unless someone comes...but it is sort of an outlet....orrrr, i could join a thingy like devintart.com. hum, things to consider.

Well, i think i'll go finish blow since i rented it...*ruth

1.14.04-5:12pm
wow, i was reading my last entry, you can tell that it was in the very beginning of school because i actually seem happy....or on drugs....really powerful ones. The Goth shop was great though, i saw about 50 things that i really wanted (and another 50 that scared the shit out of me).

However, it is now in the middle of winter and i'm stressed....exams. Thank god though that OU is only in a couple of months...high school people are starting to get on my nerves.

Oh god, lunch was hysterical....and certainly answered the question: this has been censored. Only us...that conversation might have rivaled some of the guy's at the table next to ours.

sad to say, i think that was the highlight of the day.....*ruth

 
9.19.03-7:42pm
No time, so the only thing that will be updated will be the journal. I've started a realistic pic but i haven't had time to finish it! And i found out today that i'm the co-head of a committee (!!??) in NHS. Blah, i was never good at organizational skills...

Oooo, Manda found this awesome goth shop in Lakewood! So we're gonna go up there Saturday if i get my stupid college essay written by then! I'll work on it tonight i swear (in between the commercials of Paradise Hotel!!!). It will be done i promise, besides, i really want to get into Ohio U. They have an awesome Forensic Science program...

Goth shop, right, back there....i can't wait to go! Whenever i go shopping i usually go specifically to buy black clothes but it never works! I went to target and got like 4 shirts and only one of them is black....*sighs* i need to work on that.

Lol! Manda had a brilliant idea to dress up so completely goth and go into Abercrombie and Fitch, grab a shirt and ask if they have it in black!!! God ur brilliant manda! I luv my friends!!

right, well, i've got to go write some kick ass college essays so I'll go....now! Ttyl! Whenever that may be....*ruth